Tomorrow will mark five years since I became a mom for the first time.
It was one of the best days of my life, without a doubt.
And, also, oh-so bittersweet.
Tomorrow marks five years since I saw Susie, Tommy, Thomas, and sweet Vivi…for the very last time.
It’s definitely a lot of emotion to sort out in this busy mind of mine, but I do know one thing for sure.
I’ll never let that day hold anything other than joy for Luca. The alternative would be completely unfair for him. He’s far too young to be burdened with such adult heartbreak and emotion and, as his mom, it’s my job to separate the joy, from the desperation and heartache, that tomorrow brings.
And, I can.
And, I will.
Because, I have to.
So, today, I will mourn for what I didn’t know were my last moments with them.
Today, I will be grateful that each of them were allowed to meet Luca before they were taken from us, ten days later.
Today, I will not try to stomp out the sadness and the pain. But, instead, I will let myself feel it…all of it.
Today, I will soak them in.
Today, I will replay in my head the last moments I had with them, over and over again, until night comes.
Today, I will cry.
Today, I will scream to the sky how much I miss them.
Today, I will be angry at a world that has chosen to keep turning without them in it.
Tomorrow, I will wake up and celebrate the day I became a mother to one of the most amazing people I know.
Tomorrow, I will smile and laugh and serve a doughnut with a birthday candle in it for breakfast.
Tomorrow, I will let Luca eat anything he wants.
Tomorrow, I will make his eyes light up when I give him his new, big boy scooter.
Tomorrow, I will leave the umbrella at home, because the dark clouds of today will have moved on, if only for a spell.