This Girl

There was this girl I used to know.

Actually, everyone knew her. It was impossible not to, for she was the girl that could not be missed.

With striking green eyes and a mane of hair even a horse would envy, the record scratched every time she entered a room.

Smart, beautiful, kind, loving, generous, funny, and creative, she was the girl everyone wanted to be.

She was the girl I wanted to be. And, although I’m sure she was aware of this, I was never made to feel inferior. She would never let much time pass without telling me how special I was, or reminding me that one day I, too, would bloom.

As we got older and the miles between us grew wider, our bond ebbed and flowed. But, I knew that when I needed her, she’d be there. And she was, many times.

The girl I knew was an kartist.

She painted her feelings on canvas in colors bright and beautiful, like her.

Strangely, though, she seldom completed these pieces, leaving most undone. And, for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why.

Until I figured out why.

Somewhere inside her, in a place that no one else could see, she was undone.

I try to push it away, but the anger has a mean death-grip on me.

How did I not see that she was undone…just like me? I mean, I speak undone quite fluently, it being my first language and all.

All those years she never understood my words, because I wasn’t speaking her language.

Had I known what her insides looked like, what they felt like, I could have held them together for her, long before they fell apart like they did.

Had I known how quickly she was fading, I would’ve tied a perfect knot right at the end of her feelings – gentle enough not to tangle them, but strong enough to keep them from unraveling completely.

But, I was too late, and unravel completely they did.

By the time I saw who she really was, her parts where scattered far and wide. Too many to pick up, they were everywhere.  Too many broken and missing, they were impossible to piece back together.

It had been months since I’d last seen her and, when I finally did, the girl I knew was almost gone.

I saw small glimpses of her, just enough to convince myself that I wasn’t too late.

I could still save the day.

But, each time I ran towards the glimpses, frantically trying to grab hold, they’d vanish. Like water in a desert, they’d simply disappear.

I was left with no other choice than to set them free and watch them float away.

She’s gone from my life right now, choosing to walk away from it all.

And, I’ve spent so much time being angry and hating her, I couldn’t see that it was eating me alive.

The other day, I took a quick peek underneath the anger, trying to discover how deep it ran.

That’s when I saw the incredible sadness. That’s when I felt a part of my heart break off. That’s when I realized that I don’t hate her at all.

I love her.

I love who she is and who she’ll always be, at the very core of her being.

If she’ll ever come back, I don’t know.Regardless, I’m making a choice to stomp out the anger.

I’m choosing to set us both free.

There was this girl I used to know.

With striking green eyes and a mane of hair even a horse would envy, the record scratched every time she entered a room.

For that’s the way I’ll remember her best.

27 thoughts on “This Girl

  1. Oh Ali! I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. Please know I am here for you.
    I will never forget going out with the same beautiful girl one night and a total stranger literally stopped us and said “I have never seen someone as beautiful as you.” I was so jealous! But it was impossible not to love her b/c she was so full of love and life for everyone!!!!

  2. This was beautiful. So insightful! It’s hard to let someone fade away like that, especially when you feel like you have found some of the answers she might be searching for.

    I just want to say – it wasn’t (and isn’t) your job to fix her broken parts. And you can’t – she has to do that. You can be there if she ever asks for help, you can let her know that you see her and would love to help, but that’s all you can do.

    It’s not that you are powerless in this situation. It’s that she is afraid.

  3. This is a big step. The next one is knowing, not just saying but knowing, that there was never anything you ever could have done to start, stop, or change what has happened. You’ll know it soon, because you’re awesome like that.

    and I love you. That’s all.

  4. Lovely. And the music? You used it in a post about your cousin, no? I wasn’t familiar with this song, until I’d come across it on your blog. It’s heartbreaking and inspiring all at once. Lovely.

  5. Pingback: Tell it to My Heart | me and mine

  6. Beautifully written. You have a unique ability to tap your heart and let the words spill out onto a page. Hope you reconnect in a positive way.

  7. I knew that beautiful girl and looked up to her like a big sister. What people didn’t realize is that she was just as beautiful on the inside as she was the outside. So, sad…My heart aches for you both.

  8. Aching for you all. My uncle never made it past his demons and I am not sure my mom ever got over the unfair helplessness of it all. I remember when he hurt me and what that did.

    Love to you.

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