The Dos and Don’ts of The Selfie. But Mostly The Don’ts.
Let me start by saying that I’m not anti-selfies. Scroll through my Instagram feed and, though they’ve lessened in their frequency, you’ll see plenty of them.
I used to take so many more, until I realized no one cared if my hair was looking particularly shiny.
You guys, there’s a time and place for selfies, and also a way to do them so that others won’t catch on to how much you love yourself.
So, now, I kindly and without judgment present to you my very own selfie guide.
The Selfie Handbook
First of all, cut the bullshit.
People know most of your selfies aren’t spontaneous or done in one take. We all know your iPhone has ten different shots of you holding your dog. We know you took three of them from different angles, and then looked at them and sighed because the camera flips the image after you take it and god damn it your hair looks better parted to the right with your cute little face cocked to the left.
We know that you then flipped the camera around so you could see your sweet smile, before you took the fourth, fifth, and sixth picture.
We also know how stoked you were when you finally snapped the perfect shot, and how bummed you were when you realized it included a dirty diaper and dog shit in the background, because hell no to real life, man.
How do we know all of this?
Because we’ve done the same thing.
Secondly, it’s totally fine to take a picture of yourself when you’re feeling sexy.
The one time a week you shower is a big deal and there’s nothing wrong with documenting it every now and then. But, don’t kid yourself, we know you really don’t look like that on any given day. I mean, how many pre-morning piss selfies do you see? Exactly.
Now, I’m not typing this from my high horse (who, by the way, has got to quit smoking so much pot). I’m guilty of all these things, having done them at least once or twice.
But, still, I try to keep myself in check by taking a moment to think about what it is I’m about to share.
Does anyone really care about me and my basket full of fucking cherries?
Or, like, the other day when I went on an Old Navy shopping spree. I almost shared a picture of me sporting my new jean shorts, because I was like, “God damn, finally some shorts that make my legs look good!”
And, had I actually posted the picture, I would have done so under the guise of, “Hey guys, I just bought this shirt on sale for $4.99. What a steal!”
While I’m embarrassing myself, let’s revisit the the “we know your iPhone has 10 shots of the same picture” thing I talked about earlier.
I took the first shot and realized I was giving off a real serial killer vibe, so I took a few more with my phone strategically placed to conceal my Jeffery Dahmer face.
Finally, and thankfully, I was all like what the fuck am I doing this is stupid, and so I went to feed my starving Instagram-neglected children. I may be a douchebag, but I’m not a bad mom.
For quick reference, here are ten selfies you should really try not to take.
The pucker (known to most of you as duck-face, which of course is better than dick-face, but still really tacky.)
The look how sweet and innocent I am.
The come bend me over and spank me.
The I have to take a shit pretty bad.
The look at this cool new item of clothing I just bought and please casually notice how big my rock is.
The I just downloaded a new photo editor and what, asshole, my eyes have always been this shade of blue.
The I’m so sad I can’t stop crying someone ask me what’s wrong.
The does this mole look suspicious and also how great do my tits look, y’all?
The I’m so bored and I just bought a new shade of gloss.
The I saw this pose in a magazine once but now I just look like I have to take a piss.
Now that we’ve covered some selfie don’ts, here are a few selfie dos!
Act as normal (or abnormal) as you usually are.
Don’t have ulterior motives or fish for compliments.
Don’t do it to show off or look superior to others.
Above all else, just be yourself.
And, before I forget to mention it, that mole doesn’t look suspicious and your tits really do look great.