That’s Mr. Cameron to you.
This may come as a shock to some of you.
I’ll wait for you to sit down.
I was a weird child.
Not like killing animals weird, or standing at the foot of my mom’s bed with a butcher knife weird, but still, pretty weird.
I grew up during the days of Growing Pains. I had a MAD obsession crush on Kirk Cameron. What’s so weird about that, you ask? I mean, we all had celebrity crushes. And, I’m pretty sure most kids made-believe they were, like, dating a celebrity, right? Right. Totally normal.
Annnnnnd, then there was me.
I made believe I WAS the celebrity.
*Here is where it gets weird*
I wasn’t sitting around pretending to be Soleil Moon Frye or Micheal Seaver’s girlfriend. I was pretending to BE Micheal Seaver.
I was Kirk Cameron.
I used to pretend I was Kirk fucking Cameron!
There I said it.
It feels great to get it off my chest. I’ve only told two other people this in my entire life. My husband and one of my best friends from high school.
My husband looked at me like a freak and said, “You used to pretend you were a guy?” I quickly said, “Just kidding! Just kidding! I’m sure. That would be really weird!”
My friend Kim also knows my secret, but she, on the other hand, actually accepted me, Kirk and all! Although, she still uses it against me at times, “OK Kirky! Whatever you say!”
But, I mean, it’s not as if I went around around telling everyone I was Kirk Cameron. Now, that would be crazy.
I only pretended in my head, you guys.
Occasionally, I would pretend I was Kirk’s girlfriend. Most times, though, I was all Kirk and nothing but the Kirk.
I would lay in my bed at night imagining different scenarios with me as Kirk.
I kissed a few pillows as Kirk.
I went to the beach as Kirk.
I went grocery shopping as Kirk.
But, mostly, I remember just laying around, and being cool….being Kirk.
Eventually, I cut that Kirk shit out, because I started to think that, “Hmm, this is probably real fucked up, me pretending I’m a boy and all.”
And, because I had college applications to finish.
I never pretended to be any other male celebrity. I never wanted to be a boy.
I just wanted to be Kirk.
The old Kirk, of course.
Not the freaky adult Kirk evolved into.
No pun intended Kirk.
When I was around 12 years old I went to one of my first concerts.
I was so fascinated.
I totally wanted to be her! Or, at least, her friend.
During my Cyndi phase, I lived in a duplex in Tyler with my mom and sister. The other half had been vacant and up for rent for several months. Everyday I waited to see who was going to be my new neighbor.
I waited and I prayed, that it would be Cyndi Lauper. I would ask God each night to, “Please let Cyn move in next door to me. She would meet me and totally want to babysit and hang out with me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, GOD!! C’MON GOD!! C’MON!”
It eventually got to the point where I was convinced that my new neighbor was going to be CYNDI MOTHERFUCKING LAUPER! I mean, how could God not answer this freaky ass little girl’s prayer?
But, shockingly, he didn’t.
The day the stupid family moved in next door, the stupid family that was NOT Cyndi Lauper, I was devastated.
I was all “Whatever God! ARE YOU EVEN REAL?”
Maybe God wasn’t able to fully understand that girls just wanna have fun. I get that. I really do.
God’s not a girl.
Or maybe he is…
Or maybe he thought I was gay because I used to pretend I was Kirk Cameron and so he was punishing me.
Regardless of his reasoning, because of the whole Cyndi debacle, I still have days where I wonder if he exists.
That is until I hear a familiar voice on the radio. A sign, perhaps?
You said go slow–
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds
Then I’ll think, “Wait a minute, Allison. Maybe God did try to answer your prayer. Maybe it was just that Ms. Lauper couldn’t get there in time to sign the lease, or the stupid ass family outbid her.
She was always busy, you know. Between touring, coloring her hair and putting on all those clothes, I’m surprised she had time to take a piss.
I mean, I can barely put on leggings on over my Spanx in under 15 minutes, so I can totally relate.
Maybe God just couldn’t control Cyndi Lauper.
Who cares though. I mean, honestly, I’m so over it.
Really, I am.
Update (two years later): Had I known Kirk would turn out to be such a bigoted dick, I would have totally pretended to be Alex P. Keaton, or something.