Six Ways to Sabotage a First Date

Let me preface this by saying that I have absolutely done each and every one of these things. At least once. But not all at once. Probably not.

Ahem.

So, I speak from experience.

(Possibly too much.)

Anyway, here you have it, six things you should not do on a first date.

1. Don’t bring your ex along. Literally or figuratively. For example, if your date says “Pass the bread basket, please.” Your response should not be, “Oh, wow, that’s weird. My no good, lying, cheating, covers stealing, snoring, piece of crap ex-boyfriend used to eat bread. The bastard used to eat bread. Can you believe it? I bet he ate bread when he was banging that no good whore. I bet she liked bread, too. The bitch. I hope they are happy eating bread together.” As much as you can’t stand your ex, and as much as he may deserve your hate, keep it to yourself.  You sound bitter.  And that’s not attractive. This applies even if you have nothing but nice things to say about your ex. Your date does not need to feel like he’s in a competition with some guy he’s never even met.

2. Unless you accidentally cut your thumb off with a steak knife at dinner, ABSOLUTELY NO CRYING. Talk about a buzz-kill.  How would you feel if your date was sobbing into his ribeye?  It kind of kills the mood.  Also, no one wants to see your ugly cry face, trust me.  Especially not your date. This is probably the most efficient way to ensure that the first date will be your last.

3. Don’t get wasted. I know how easy it is to overindulge when you are full of first date jitters. But, trust me, a few awkward silences are a million times better than puking all over your dates crotch.  And, let’s face it ladies, you probably wouldn’t have been anywhere near his crotch had you not drank so much.  So, make it a habit to have food in your stomach and glass of water between your alcoholic beverages.  Bonus: you’ll actually remember how bad the date was.

4. Don’t turn into Little Miss Yes. It’s OK to disagree.  Having your own opinion is a good thing! Go ahead and tell him that you’d rather gauge your eyeballs out with a spoon than watch Monday Night Football. This will not be the deciding factor as to whether or not he digs you at the end of the night.  And if it is, then he’s a meat-head. Move on.

5. Repeat after me. Chips and queso good. Chips on shoulders bad. In other words, lose the attitude.  Don’t walk into the date like you’ve got something to prove. Sure you don’t want to be Little Miss Yes and agree with everything your date says, but you also don’t want to disagree simply for the sake of showing him how strong and independent you are.  Or whatever it is your trying to get across.  All too often we’re so anxious to show that special someone all the things we love about ourselves, that we try to squeeze it in all at once. It’s like a really loud, in your face, extra-strength version of you.  It can be a bit much, and it isn’t genuine. Let him get to know you naturally, little by little, instead of trying to sell yourself.

6. Don’t give it all up between the sheets. Unless you want to. Let me elaborate. There is definitely something to be said for making someone wait a while before showing them how limber you are.  It can be really exciting to move slowly.  Let them fantasize about being intimate with you, and you do the same.  Let the passion build.  With that said, sometimes you know better than anyone when the time is right for you.  There is no perfect number.  Just make sure it’s because you want it, not because you want them to like you. Respect yourself and, of course, use protection.  In the end,  I’m not sure how much it matters. If you are meant to be together, you’ll probably still be together, regardless of when it happened.  I remember making my husband wait a whole two months before I showed him what heaven was like. He remembers it being more like three days.  Specifics.  Whatever.

So, you see guys, when it comes right down to it, it really is all about just being yourself.  (Unless yourself likes to drink 4 bottles of wine and bawl hysterically. In that case, tone yourself down a little for the night.)

Remember that your date is just as nervous as you are. The best thing you can do is relax and have fun!

Dating is supposed to be about having a good time and enjoying yourself.

If that’s not happening, then maybe you should call it a night.