The past several days have been really dark and heavy, leaving me to wonder if I’m ever going to find peace again.
Don’t try to hide it. I see your heads ping-ponging from side to side waiting to see who will win the match.
She’s sad! (boos)
She’s happy! (applause)
She’s weak! (BOOOOOOOO)
Wait…no…she’s strong! (loud cheering)
Hold on a minute, folks, she seems to have…wait one second while we get some confirmation on this….YES….she seems to have had her heart broken again! (UHHHHHH)
(Half the crowd heads to concessions.)
Apologies for the whiplash. A full refund will be honored upon request.
While it makes a fantastic bumper sticker, being happy is not, as so many claim, a choice. If it were, I would’ve filled in that bubble on day one, braided my hair, and skipped away into a meadow of dandelions with some grateful dead blasting through my headphones.
No, being happy is not a choice, but a process, and a complicated one at that. It’s made up of several things – some of which come from our insides and some which come from our outsides. And, it takes an incredibly delicate balance of both to achieve the amount that equals happiness.
Real life is not a movie where everything falls into place in two hours. It’s taken me a while to wrap my head around that.
* * *
I had a strange dream the other night.
I was watching a video of myself on the computer. I wasn’t doing anything other than standing, looking straight ahead, and fidgeting. The video would speed up for several seconds, then slow down and stop, before briefly moving into reverse and speeding up all over again. It was like a computer scan…but of me. In the dream, it turned out, I was dreaming, and I woke up to type it out on my phone because it felt so significant.
When I woke up and looked at my phone, however, I discovered that the final part actually had occurred.
A powerful dream that I can’t put into words (like most I suppose), it offered a fresh perspective of my insane year. My emotions, brain, and life all need to be rebooted and reconfigured – much too large a task to be instantaneous and painless. I’ve wanted it to be both of these things so badly, the fact that it’s been neither has left me desperate and hopeless.
* * *
This morning I woke up feeling lighter and more peaceful than I have in many, many months. Nothing eventful occurred and there were no major breakthroughs (or even minor ones), so I have absolutely nothing to point to for this strange shift. It truly is like someone snuck in and flipped a switch overnight, leaving acceptance, peace, and forgiveness in exchange for fear, sadness, and anger.
I took a deep breath and exhaled a few times, before realizing I’d barely been breathing at all lately.
Will I wake up feeling this way tomorrow?
I don’t know.
But, I think I should stop wondering about tomorrow so much and focus on what’s in front of me now. And, today, that’s the sweet relief of feeling like me again. I figure if I’m able to do it once that means I’m still here somewhere underneath it all, and I’ll be able to do it again.
(I’m so excited about my bird-nerd adventure coming up on Thursday! I can’t wait to share pictures with you all!)