Super Important Shit I Had to Keep to Myself When Twitter Was Down.
As some of you nerds know, Twitter crashed yesterday.
And my Twitter was down till today. And, no, that’s not code for my vagina.
Like, it just started working, you guys.
My scientific guess is that I was trying to load it with the same browser as when it was really broken, so I just kept thinking it was still down for real.
Anyway, I had no one to talk to about all the important stuff going on in my life AND I FELT SO ALONE.
And, I don’t even know how you guys lived without me for so long. I’m assuming it was the worst day of your lives, so I’m going to make it up to you by filling you in on a few things you missed…The Day The Twitter Died.
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Omg you guys. A gnat flew up my nose right as I was inhaling. It’s possible it’s in my brain now.
You know that weird skin pulsating thing that happens sometimes? Like a heartbeat twitchy thing in your eye. It just happened..to my boob…IT WAS STRAIGHT OUT OF ALIEN.
I pretty much just made my cat a ham and cheese sandwich so he’d shut the fuck up. He’s such a dick.
I want to eat all of the things in the house.
I love you guys. I’m so drunk hahahhahahahahahhaha….ha..ahhahaa./
I hate it when I hide Luca’s cookies from him and then I can’t remember where the fuck I hid them at midnight.
Ugh. I fucking hate baby monitors. And Donald Trump’s hair.
There is nothing like putting clean sheets on your bed after your kid’s pissed all over the old ones.
I hear my kid moving upstairs right now. MOTHER. FUCKER.
If my kid comes down here and catches me eating his cake he’s gonna shank me with a god damn Lego.
That cake was soooooo sweet. I totally need something salty now to balance it out.
My kid has a thing for Asian women. He’s just like his dad.
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I hope this never happens again, because I have no idea how you guys would go on living without me.