Part Two: Someone Slap An Unaccompanied Minor Sticker On This Bitch.

Click to read Part One: And Then She Began To Whistle.

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Where were we? Oh, yeah.

My kids began melting and quickly, convinced we were going to miss Christmas and that it was all my fault. Naturally my response was a soft, patient, and loving one – all of which was total bullshit and anything but natural. I knelt down to their level and calmly reassured them that everything was going to be just fine because mommy was going to slit her wrists and bleed her life savings to fix it, my sweet darling pumpkins.

I grabbed the two suitcases between us and rolled them over to some sticky leather airport seats. Then I remembered my kids and went back for them. Once we were all stuck to our seats, electronics in hand, I frantically searched flights on a different airline — you know, one that actually operated at the airport to which I’d arrived impressively and responsibly early.

Less than a minute had passed and I was following the digital breadcrumbs which would eventually at some point allow me some shitty airport wifi when…


Picking up everything, I built a new campsite outside the restroom so Luca could take Leo to pee and I could sit on the floor on hold and online.

I was on hold with the airline for the flight I’d missed, and on my laptop with the one I was hoping would get us to Dallas in time to connect for the flight the former airline was trying to book us on.
Unlike · Slap me · Translate ·

Three minutes in, Luca runs out of the bathroom alone.

Luca: Mommy, Leo took all of his clothes off again to poop. Even his shoes and socks.

Me: Get back in there with him!

After what seemed like hours of digging through my purse (ugh fine. bag. whatever divas.), I pulled out my bent, gum and dirt covered divorced mom’s first christmas card and slapped it down hard. Luckily, the woman on the other end of the line was a single mom of five kids so also a card carrying member of my club.

By this time, I had managed to find a flight that would get us to the connection my card carrying sister had managed to book us on.

Me: Don’t tell me how much it is.

Woman: It will cost you one million dollars and both your kids.

Me: Why it’s a Christmas miracle!

I grabbed our luggage and made my way to security. Then I went back for my kids and we made our way to security.

Things were going to be okay after all.

We stood in the long TSA line and finally reached the front. I began to take my boots off when something felt amiss. That something being the two huge suitcases I was holding…that I’d forgotten to check.

TURN AROUND KIDS! she said between bursts of maniacal laughter.

Of course, to make things more fun, we had to change terminals again to check them.  After, we hopped back on the train to the correct terminal and went through security for real. Thankfully, this was relatively smooth, minus Leo trying to kick an agent in the nuts after he sent his blankie through security.

We made it through security and, with three hours to kill, searched for a place to eat. A few minutes into the search I remembered I’d left the umbrella stroller at security. After going back for it, we found a place to grab lunch.

All of us were feeling frazzled when my seven year old saved the day with his perfectly timed comedic relief.

Luca: Mommy, look under there!
Me: Under where?


Luca: Mommy, say hi to your knee!
Me: Hi Knee.

We laughed until our stomachs hurt as well as the ears of those seated around us.

We had three hours to catch our flight, and another two hours to make our connection. What could possibly go wrong?




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Part Three “Hey Stupid, Make Sure You Buy Actual Seats On The Plane” to follow.

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