Of Those She Has Too Many.

Feelings – of those she has too many.

She spends her nights questioning them — their validity, their origin, their rightness but mainly their wrongness.

On good days she offers herself kindness, understanding, and acceptance. On good days she wraps herself up tightly in her arms and welcomes each of her feelings one by one, even the most broken. Often these good days turn into three days. Sometimes they even stretch out into seven days or one whole week. She can’t predict when the self-doubt will creep back in — that just depends on how long it takes her to fuck up or disappoint. Sometimes she disappoints others… but mostly she disappoints herself.

When she loves she loves with her whole heart — a whole-heart that is so guarded most only see half. She’s loved some people that deserve none of her heart, not even one bit. She’s loved others who’ve given her their whole heart, which she didn’t deserve, not even one bit.

She feels guilty for so many things. She’s too self-involved. She’s too demanding. She’s not demanding enough. She feels guilty for hating those who hurt her, then feels guilty for hurting their feelings, then hates them for making her feel guilty…and then feels guilty for that.

She’s more complicated than she’d ever let on because who has the time to try to figure her out when she can’t even figure herself out. She pretends to be simple – her gift to a world who doesn’t have time for her shit.

She feels selfish for pretending to be selfless. She thinks about her problems while listening to people talk about their own. She accepts support and offers half of it back.

Some days she loves herself too much and other days too little. Always searching for that perfect balance, she feels frustrated when it eludes her.

She feels proud of herself for trying to be a better person. When she fails it’s not on purpose and she knows it. She wishes she failed a little less, though.

Feelings – of those she has too many.

Some are amazing while others are nothingness. Some are kind and some are mean. Some are constructive and others destructive. Some are well-intended and some are ill-intended. Some are genuine and some are attention seeking. And some just are.

But, at the end of the day, these feelings are a part of her and who she is. So, really, I guess her only problem is trying to make enough room for all of them to stay.

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