Memoirs of a Not So Stable Pregnant Woman.
Week 6: Holy shit. No way. Seriously? I’m pregnant. So excited! I think. I guess I came home from New Orleans with a little something more than a hangover and hotel toiletries. Also, I am drunk right now. Let me ask Google if that’s bad. OK, Google says lots of people get drunk before they find out they are pregnant and to please stop asking it the same questions because GAH. Time for a 9 month detox starting tomorrow. Eww.
Week 7: What the fuck am I doing? I can’t have another baby. I can barely even handle the one I have. I am so bloated and OMG DO MY TITS HURT. Also, I hate everyone and wish I could stop crying.
Week 8: Can’t. Stop. Puking. I hate your face and your face and yours and yours. and you, YOU, I hate your penis because it DID THIS TO ME.
Week 10: Seriously? Will I ever go potty again? Is this a joke? I have George Micheal in my head all day long. Just replace the dance with poop, as in, “I’m never gonna poop again…” I can’t stop singing it. Really. Related, my family hates me.
Week 13: Pimples have taken over my face. And other really weird parts of my body. I wonder if they have facials for your butt. Buttcials. Huh. Stupid hormones.
Week 16: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BOOBS? They are huge and is that a vein? Was it there before? Holy shit, look at my nipples. They are actually the size of Texas. But, not the shape, which would actually be sorta….cool? Also, I wish I could stop crying.
Week 19: Oh, this is fun. Being pregnant with a toddler. My morning coffee needs a touch…more…arsenic.
Week 20: The itching. GOD THE ITCHING. All over my body. It’s like I have fleas. I look like a crack-head. Walking around scratching and picking at myself all the damn time. But, I’m not on crack. Obviously. That would so not be good for the baby. Also, I wish I could stop crying.
Week 23: According to the internet, my baby is now the size of a mango. And now I want a mango. I want to eat my baby. Great.
Week 28: OB appointment today. Must shave legs and groom Allison, Junior so I don’t go in looking like a 70′s porn star. Cannot see anything below my belly. Holding my breath and winging it…. ouch ouch ouch omg so much blood…
Week 29: Have fully weaned off of my Zoloft in preparation for baby. Hmm. This isn’t so bad. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
To be continued….