If You Need Someone To Stick A Suppository Up Your Butt At Three In The Morning, I’m Your Man.
It’s like opposite month at my house or something.
My three month old is sleeping way better than my three year old.
Like, way, way, way better.
For the past couple of weeks, Big L has big waking up 2-3 times A NIGHT screaming at me like I am his bitch.
That’s MRS. BITCH to you, young man.
He is scared of the monsters and the spiders in his room.
And the shadows.
And the noises.
Mommy, can you turn on all the lights so I can stop hearing those noises.
It’s like he’s three or something.
I go back and forth, depending on my patience level, to either cuddling and talking with him or wanting to throw myself down a flight of stairs.
We tried the monster spray, which totally fucked with his mind, because I have been telling him over and over and over again that MONSTERS ARE NOT REAL. And then I mix up some water, Splenda, and baby probiotic drops in a spray bottle and tell him to spray it all over his room, because apparently monsters don’t like artificial sweeteners.
The kid was so totally confused, so I named it “scary thoughts” spray, instead.
What’s a thought, mommy?
All the spray ended up doing was soaking his room and making his sheets taste sweet and calorie free. It did not make him any less scared.
Last night he was awake at three, up to his usual shenanigans.
After finally getting him back to bed, little L woke up and with an upset tummy. I think the rice cereal I use to thicken his formula (for reflux) stops the little guy right up. So, after an hour of grunting and pushing and crying, and looking like he needed an epidural, I popped a suppository in him, and a diaper on him.
And I waited.
And, well, that shit causes shit.
With an empty tummy and a huge smile on his face we finally fell asleep around five.
Only to be woken up again at six by the asshole cat.
I’m never going to sleep again.
On another note, I’m on a diet. I figure losing a few pounds will be good for my holey heart.
So, the next time Luca wakes up in the middle of the night, I will likely eat him.
Nom Nom Nom.