A Real Life Dateline Mystery.
I watch a lot of television. As much as I can squeeze in between family and my rampant social media addiction, anyway.
I’m hooked on several shows – Breaking Bad, House of Cards, Homeland, to name a few – but most of what I watch involves someone being murdered and stashed under a bed.
In fact, I love murder mysteries so much, I often fear I’ll grow up to be a serial killer.
(So, don’t fuck with me.)
At the top of my murder mystery addiction list is Dateline. Hands down.
Because, what’s better than snuggling up in bed at night and having Lester Holt tell you a bloody bedtime story?
Nothing. That’s what.
Before moving forward, I need to make one thing clear: I love me some Lester. I not only watch him on Dateline, but on the Today Show Weekend Edition, as well.
Oh, how that voice captivates me.
With that said, there’s something about Lester that’s been bothering me for the longest time.
It’s eating away at me.
It’s consuming most all of my waking moments.
It gnaws at me till I can no longer see straight.
And, I just…I just…I need to know the answer to this question in order to move forward.
How the hell does Lester Holt keep his glasses so god damn spotless and shiny?
Completely immaculate, you could eat off those babies. They’ve neither a spot or a smudge on them…ever.
It’s as if even the tiniest of dust particles respect Lester.
And, humidity? Forget about it. Humidity wouldn’t even think of fogging up those babies.
I’ve become so obsessed with his spotless specs that it’s become a huge distraction. I rack my brain incessantly every time I see him. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even focus on the storyline, anymore. I mean, I’ll be a good fifteen minutes into an episode when realize I don’t even know the body count.
But, finally, after much thought, I think I’ve managed to come up with a couple of solid theories.
Theory 1: Lester refused to renew his contract unless NBC hired a team of elves to clean his glasses with their tiny loogies in between takes.
Or, and probably more plausible…
Theory 2: Lester has an enormous cabinet in his dressing room that holds hundreds of identical glasses. Every time a speck of dust so much as thinks about landing on the pair he’s wearing, he crushes them with his big, strong hands and orders one of his elves to fetch him a new pair.
I honestly don’t think Lester has ever worn the same pair of glasses twice. (But, I’m sure he recycles because he seems responsible like that, right?)
Anyway, being the ever loyal fan that I am, I feel like I’m entitled to some sort of explanation from Lester. Or, at least, from his handlers.
Not to mention the fact that he’s turned me into some sort of paranoid freak, who’s suspicious of everyone and everything, including my cat.
Because, where Meow used to mean, “I’m hungry,” it now means, “Tonight, I’m going to rip your head off as your sleeping then bat it around the bedroom until I get bored.”
And, before you say I’m crazy, it’s obvious I’m not the only one who’s intrigued with Les’ lenses so shut the hell up.
(Also? Sidenote: How clean does Lester look?)
(Seriously. I can smell him from here.)
(He smells exactly like a newborn baby.)
Photo credits: Tumblr (with minor modifications by moi)