A Monthly Case of the Mehs.

I posted on this topic recently, only in a haha tone.

Today, there will be much less haha and many more tiny violins.

That was a warning, should you choose to flee the pity party before it begins.

Which would be now.

Underneath the exaggerated PMS jokes and witty puns, I am feeling incredibly frustrated with my months and my moods, both of which are anything and everything but consistent.

I exist in extremes. I’m either high or I’m low. Happy or sad. Confident or full of self-doubt.

In all my 35 years, my mind has yet to reach a happy medium of anything in between.

The only thing I’ve come to depend on is that my state of being is completely undependable. No matter how many good days may pass, I’m no longer fooled into believing that the other shoe isn’t dangling by a thread. I know it’s going to drop, I just don’t know exactly when – until I wake up in the morning and it’s upside down on the floor.

Usually, I have about two solid weeks of feeling on top of the world. I’m full of energy, confidence, and creativity. I’m the best mom, wife, and friend anyone could ask for. I’m responsible and timely. I like the way I look. I don’t get the nervous jitters when I have to talk to people, because I’m never at a loss for something funny to say. I always have a quip in my bag, ready to pull out, ready to break the ice.

And so I think….

Finally, I’ve found my groove! I’m a real writer, with real jobs. I’m a great mom and a kick ass wife. I clean my house. I get shit done. Shit that doesn’t even need doing. I’ve got life by the balls.

BAM!

The shoe drops so loudly it startles me, and I’m hit with two weeks of trying to navigate through a dense, scary fog. I sit on the sidelines and, like an observer, watch my responsibilities pile up one…by…one. I know I need to tackle them or the elephant will continue to settle in on my chest.

But, I don’t.

Because, I can’t.

So, I look away (just not at my reflection, because suddenly I don’t like that nearly as much as I did just the day before).

Avoidance is a skill I’ve perfected. I’m so damn good at it I could win a medal in the Avoidance Olympics.

If I have twenty things I need to get done, I’ll put on pajamas and climb into bed.

Maybe if I ignore them they’ll just go away? Besides, tomorrow I’ll start over. I’ll do better. Maybe, I’ll even be me again.

I feel suffocated and paralyzed during the lows. And, it seems my main defense has become a sort of detached apathy.

I just stop giving a shit.

Why even try? It’s not like I’m that good a writer anyway. Does anyone even know I exist? Because, I’m not even sure I exist.

Of course, these lows come to an end and, just like that, I wake up with both shoes snug on my feet.

I’m me again.

Inevitably, this is when the guilt whacks me upside my head, and I feel so angry at myself for fucking up the roll I was on and throwing away all that progress.

With nothing else to do, I start over from scratch.

Yes.

I see a therapist.

Yes.

I’m on an anti-anxiety medication.

Yes.

It helps. But, many times, not enough.

Or maybe (probably?) this is just who I am…and who I’ve always been.

An overly-emotional, all or nothing, basket-case of a chick.

Sometimes, I think I’d be better off concentrating less on fixing something…something that may not be that broken in the first place…and instead accept this crazy mood instability, and try to figure out a way to make it work for me.

All fine and good, if I only had the slightest clue as to how.

Sure, I could try and write through the lows, but there’s a huge chance this would result in a series of, “I have no creativity right now. I feel like shit. This shit sucks. Bleh. Meh. Cry. Wah. Punch something. Fuck it, I’m just gonna watch Real Housewives instead,” posts.

So, yeah.

I’m constantly wondering if others ride this pendulum of emotions, too, or if I’m just a special kind of different.

Luckily, not all my lows are this low. But, I felt compelled to write about it today, because this month was a sad, sad beast, that I’m just now killing dead.

Finally, the fog is lifting and I’m on my way back up.

So, I’ll ride this high wave and take advantage of the energy and efficiency it brings so that, hopefully, when the low hits – and it will hit – I’ll be a tiny bit ahead in this game called life.

21 Comments Added

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  1. Tierney February 18, 2013 | Reply
    you sound just like me. I'm 38, not on anxiety medication, but sound JUST. LIKE. YOU. and have been this way since I was about 16, so I tend to think it's just the way I am. It's just the way a great many people I know are, only they don't say it out loud, but I can see. Maybe it isn't "the" norm, but it sure is mine.
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      Glad to know I am not alone. THANK YOU!
  2. Teresa February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I'm SO glad you posted this! I do the same thing and you just made me feel a whole hell of a lot better knowing I'm not the only one. THANK YOU!
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      And now you just made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one! YAY! Thanks so much. :)
  3. Ericka C February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I would have NEVER guessed you to be this way. I used to be that way. I'd be great..the perfect wife & mom. Then I would fall apart but for 2 years, I have the "falling apart" all the time. I can't shake it. I have lupus & fibro which causes extreme pain & exhaustion. I used to have good days. Now all I have is live in my pajamas and barely make it through the day. I take anxiety meds. I've tried antidepressants but none have made a difference except a list of side effects making things worse. I used to have so many interests. I loved so many things. I was a fun seeker. Now I only get out of bed out of my absolute love for a toddler who needs me because her own mother is selfish & not only puts herself in danger but her child. I am deeply depressed. I worry I will do something stupid. I sometimes feel my family would be better off without me.
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      Oh, I'm so so sorry. I will email you directly. Hang in there. xoxoxo
  4. Chloe February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I could've written this. Thanks so much for sharing, it's good to know that I'm not alone. You're amazing, no matter what time of the month it is. Xoxoxoxoxo
  5. Meghan February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I love you. You are an amazing person and I'm lucky to know you. xoxo
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      You are one of my most favorite friends ever. Love you. Thanks!
  6. Shut up. I love you. I feel like I can say that because I know you love me back, and I understand how you're feeling.
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      I LOVE YOU! Grateful that you are in my life to tell me to shut up. :) xo
  7. Sam Millus February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I've had a ticket to ride this same fucked up roller coaster for 38 years my friend. There are days I'm OVER it all. There was a day 7 years ago when I tried to get off this train, and am SO GRATEFUL some being bigger than me saved me so I can teach my kids not every day is good, or bright but they ARE manageable.with meds, thank god. I love you, and thank you for voicing this for all of us!!! Xo
    • admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
      YOU just made me cry. I'm happy to know you and so glad you exist. Thank you. Also, now I can't stop singing, "Sam's got a ticket to ride...Sam's got a ticket to ri-i-i-de..."
  8. admin February 18, 2013 | Reply
    I love you for saying all of this to me. Thank you. xoxo
  9. Angie Tobias February 19, 2013 | Reply
    Yup. Yup. --siiigggghhhh-- Me too. Sunshine and showers over here. You are not alone. Not in the highs, and not in the lows. People are always shocked to hear that I struggle with depression and anxiety. And that I am seeing a therapist. I wrote about depression one time (http://www.angietobias.com/2013/01/its-always-darkest-before-dawn.html) and received a lot of concerned emails and texts -- all with the "I never would have guessed" taglines. Which doesn't actually help.
  10. Nicole February 19, 2013 | Reply
    I feel like you've taken a trip into my brain. I'm currently in bed right now,avoiding doing a few things that I should be doing, but scare me to death. I might get out of bed later, and rush around to get things done. It's frustrating, but I don't know how to stop. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.
  11. Jess February 19, 2013 | Reply
    I am so, so right there with you. It hurts. It feels like you're a let down downer to your kids, your husband. It sucks ass. But we keep on because really what other options are there? The kids can't cook. Xoxo
  12. Rachel G. February 20, 2013 | Reply
    You are definitely not alone which in turns means that I'm (and everyone else that feels this are) not alone. As small as that is I do find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in the mood swing craziness. I don't know what happened but now in my thirties (also 35) I've found that this swing is so much more pronounced. Even more so in the last three years but that may be due to life changing events that have been extremely difficult to work through. I worked with an excellent therapist and was diagnosed with PMDD due to my swings correlating with my monthly cycles and how badly they affect my life. I now take a low dose anti-depressant for the last two weeks of my cycle and have noticed an increase in my functionality during the down times. The swings are still there but they tend to be much more manageable. That's my super condensed story and am hoping you find it helpful. Maybe hearing other's stories will give you a different outlook that may or may not lead you to your own path of discovery and manageablilty of your highs and lows.
  13. Tracy February 20, 2013 | Reply
    Hey girl, I hear you & you are not alone. I spent 20 yrs thinking I was nuts because 2 weeks out of a month, I could not function. I refused to crawl in bed because I knew if I did, I would never, ever get back up and my kids deserved better from me. When I finally found the pattern, it was like a light bulb went off. I have PMDD and am prone to rages from being mildly bipolar, BUT, this is something I CAN control, and I have ever since. No therapist, no meds, although I understand why some take that route. Some days are still wonky, but it's much better. I always say E.G.S., Everybody's Got Shit! It's so true, we all just hide it so well.
  14. Val February 20, 2013 | Reply
    Okay, I just self-diagnosed with PMDD because I am experiencing the SAME exact thing. On meds for depression and anxiety which I manage pretty well-have for about 15 years- and see my docs. But am having the same 2 week cycle thing. Was trying to avoid hormonal birth control for other reasons, but may resort to that just to even things out. Maybe ask your OB-GYN about something like Seasonique? That helped me in years past when I had horrible PMS headaches.
  15. TheAvasmommy March 18, 2013 | Reply
    Yeah. This is so me. Except I keep going because I know I have no choice and I feel like absolute crap. I think I've come to realize that a part of my brain is just borked. It's not ok, but at least I get it now and I know I'm not alone. Thanks for writing this. You made me feel a lot better. xoxo

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